At some point in everyone’s life they are faced with the decision to grow up. Most of the time it is not a conscious decision,
it is just a natural part of life. Unfortunately,
I didn’t have a choice. At 14, I was
forced to leave my childhood behind because of the
monster-under-the- bed, Accutane.
The summer after my 8th grade year was
rather boring, I talked on the phone with my friends and boyfriend, went to the movies,
and planned for high school in the fall. I
also worried a bit about my face because although I had been undergoing treatment for acne
for several years, my face and back were still broken out, but lately the dermatologist had been talking about
Accutane, so I knew that there was hope.
Before I knew it, school and high school was great
I joined some new clubs; I made the volleyball team, and I was elected Freshman Class reporter. This year was definitely turning into one of the
best years of my life. And then on September 17, the dermatologist prescribed Accutane for
my face. We talked about the physical side
effects and she warned me about pregnancy and then she sent me home with a pamphlet to
read.
Of course my appearance got worse before it got better. My lips chapped and bled,
and my skin dried out, but my dermatologist and I had discussed all of the physical side
effects of Accutane, so I didn’t care because it just proved that the Accutane was
working.
My downfall started the moment I took
the first pill. After two weeks, my happy mood began to slowly dissolve. I found myself
feeling sad and I often cried for no reason. I began to slack off from my school work
because I was just too tired to care about my
grades. I frequently argued with my parents
and friends. In fact, I often provoked
arguments until I was in a screaming fit. In six short weeks everything about the best
year of my life had become nonexistent. I
just didn’t care anymore and on November 14, 1997,
I took 40 pills went to sleep
expecting never to wake up. However, at 3:00
that morning I woke up and was sick. My parents found me and took me to the hospital
and my stomach was pumped. I was then
taken to an adolescent facility where I stayed for a week under the care of a psychiatrist
and I began taking Prozac.
However, even the Prozac didn’t help.
No matter how hard I tried to feel better and be normal, and I did try very hard, I
just sank deeper into depression. I began to restrict my food and lost over 15lbs. My
grades dropped and I went from being a 4.0 student to making C’s and D’s. I
wanted to sleep all of the time. I
hated myself more and more each day and began to cut my hands with razor blades.
Ironically, the only good thing in my life was my clearer skin because of the Accutane.
During that time, I watched a monster live in my body and control my actions. I wanted to feel better and be happy, but I couldn’t
no matter how hard I tried, no matter how much therapy or medication, I was miserable. I had no control over my life, the monster was in
charge. Fortunately, that changed at the end
of February when my mom heard about the warnings for Accutane. Do you remember that little drug? It was going to help make this year the best year
of my life, right? I had been taking it all
along, I had even taken it at the adolescent center with the psychiatrist’s approval.
After that report, Mom took me off Accutane and within two weeks I began to feel
normal again. I started eating and quit cutting myself. I began studying again and staying
awake in my classes. By the end of March the Accutane was out of my system and I was
working hard to catch up, but I was in
control, no monster in sight. By April my psychiatrist released me from her care
saying that I had made a full recovery. All of my doctors agreed that they had never seen
a turn around like this and my depression must have been caused by the Accutane.
That year became a defining moment in my life when I was forced to grow up. I just find it saddening that I was never given
the chance to choose, to hold on to my
innocence and keep my childhood for a little bit longer.
I have had to pay the price and face the consequences for a choice I didn’t
voluntarily make. I think the people who make
Accutane should have to face the consequences for stolen innocence and lost lives because
of the choices they make to hide the devastating effects of this drug. I know that Accutane causes depression, no
matter what the so-called experts say. I have
lived to tell the tale. There were two girls
that year, me and me on Accutane.
Today I am grateful to just be alive. I
am a senior in high school and plan to go to college next year.I was lucky, I survived
Accutane, but so many others don’t. You
must do something about this drug because the monster-under-the-bed is supposed to be
imaginary, not a pill you take to clear up your skin.