Former lap dancer says that men who think it is harmless are wrong

There are two things Milly, a former lap dancer from London, wants to warn anyone who might underestimate the corrosive myth that lap dancing “is just a little fun”.

“First, is this idea that it is no more than dancing. That is a myth; what it really should be called is ‘an elaborate w*nk’. Second, it always crosses the line. So-called boundaries are ludicrous. No one sticks to that. And if you do, you quickly lose out.”

It didn’t take many shifts, bumping and grinding in two leading lap-dancing clubs in London, for her to realise that crossing boundaries was where the money was made. That was why the other girls were getting five dances, and she was getting nothing.

Milly is a well-spoken girl from London. She sounds solidly, stereotype-defyingly middle class. Having been sacked from her office job at the age of 24, she entered what she thought was the fringe of the sex industry for the same reason many women do: to support a drug and alcohol habit.

“Like most, I went into it thinking I’d get good money, quickly. Wrong. I was in debt to the club before starting my first shift. My own clothes were deemed unsuitable so I had to ‘borrow’ a dress at £70, and shoes at £60. Some evenings, once I’d paid for a taxi home, I’d actually lost money. If I made £60, I’d done all right.

“On only two occasions did I ever make more than £100 a night. Although I never slept with anyone, I regularly went beyond limits I’d set myself.”

She does not recall any of the girls being coerced into the job. Cocaine, occasionally crack, was prevalent throughout the shifts. The competition between the girls made her feel like a failure.

“Of course you have to smile, pretend you’re enjoying it. That’s the act you have to put on. The impact of that is a gradual erosion of yourself.

“The worst thing was what I learned about men: that the way to make money from them is to be submissive and pretend to be stupid. What these men wanted was to exert power in a way they felt they could not in normal situations.

“Instead of going to a pub, where they are intimidated by approaching equal women, they came to lap-dancing bars, where women approached them. I often wondered who were they? What did their wives and partners think they were doing? Watching Moulin Rouge?

“Whether individual women feel degraded by them or not, lap dancing degrades all of us because it’s providing a socially acceptable place for women to be treated as sex objects.

“I saw too many newly married men, fathers of newborns, saying, ‘I can’t have a dance with you’ then two minutes later, their faces are buried in another’s breasts.”

Unsurprisingly, drugs became essential to doing her job. She admits her life was spiralling out of control. The more she danced, the more she needed another drink, another line of coke. Often she would wake up, after a shift, to find she’d passed out, outside her house, unable to get herself home.

“When I started, I was aware it was shady, but I had no idea how extreme the sexual contact would be. I honestly would not have done it, had I known. No girl goes into it expecting to rub her face against a man’s groin. Once you’ve let a man touch you for money for a certain amount of time, it becomes a degrading process.”

It was not until a friend intervened that Milly tried to take back control of her life. Now 28, she is no longer dependent on drugs, and has a job she enjoys, working in the arts. “It took me a long time to like men, I’ve not had a relationship since. It’s hard to respect people who so clearly don’t respect you. At 24, I was old when I started but there are girls going into it 18, 19, and younger.”

So, what should regulators do? She answers as if she knows attitudes will never change.

“The only way to really change things, if there is such a thing as an equal society, is if men learn to understand that paying for sexual stimulation is degrading and does have a negative impact. It’s not just a bit of fun. But, as long as men are men, there will always be a market.

“They think it’s not really sex, so it’s harmless. They are wrong.”